Every Memory Of Looking Out The Back Door

I've been spending some time looking back - at blog entries and email folders. Can you believe it's been nearly a year since I started writing this blog? Back in October 2008 I made the first post here, having been inspired by reading the blogs of certain people I'd recently become friends with on Twitter - which itself was something quite new to me then. That first entry was written about one of my favourite songs of all time, and what I felt about it - reading it back, it does sound a bit second-rate school assignment stuff, but hey, I thought it was OK at the time. Actually, I still do. (And almost 12 months on, the video still works...)

Even after only a few months, it's interesting to read back some of the entries I've made here. I'm no Samuel Peyps, and it's debatable how many people other than me actually read this (my family, and GroupieGirl, don't even know of it's existence) yet I've still enjoyed writing the various entries herein. Even when I've struggled to get my thoughts into words, or when I've spent ages thinking "which track should I put in this entry" - indeed, sometimes the track has came first and I've tried to build the entry around that! I've been known to spend an hour on a single entry sometimes - all this for just a little blog!

And - let's be honest - some of the entries have been pretty dark and gloomy. Particularly in the run-up to what she & me now refer to as "the incident". It's pretty hard reading some of my entries, they can make me feel quite sad - but I'm not ashamed of a single word I've written, and I'm glad it's there to read through, because it's part of my life. Writing the blog entries probably helped me through those bad times. I've heard it say that people who write journals tend to only really keep them current during bad times, because when times are good they're enjoying themselves too much to make an entry - so maybe that's why I found a lot of emotion on these virtual pages.

Maybe what we as bloggers, journal keepers and the like should be doing is using these memories to keep things in perspective - things may be a bit sad now but they have been worse in the past and we dealt with them then OK... or things have been great in the past, so there's no reason why things can't be great in the future.

I've also been flicking through some old emails, something I've got rather a lot of. In fact, unless it's been caught by my spam folder and "recycled", I've not deleted any of the emails I've received since I got my current MacMini back in February 2008 - so if you've sent me an email (or received one from me) in the last 19 months, I've still got it. Yes, every single one. And some of them still make me smile :)

When I put my mind to it, I can write some pretty good material if I do say so myself... it's just putting my mind to it! And I intend to keep trying - I've been thinking about maybe a layout change or two, or maybe ending the rule of one post per day max, or not insisting every entry "finishes on a song" so to speak. Perhaps I'll make some changes at the beginning of 2010 - a new look for a glorious new decade maybe - that is if I haven't already jinxed it by saying that...

NICKELBACK - PHOTOGRAPH
(from the album "All The Right Reasons", 2005)

Day Bi Day

September 23rd, as well as being (near enough) the first day of Autumn, is also apparently Celebrate Bisexuality Day. The first I heard about this was when I woke up this morning, but I'll be pencilling it into my 2010 calendar so I'm ready on the next orbit.

I of course nailed my colours to the mast within this blog back in November 2008 and I did say then I wasn't going to make a huge issue of it, but the postings I've seen on Twitter today show that bisexuality still gets a very bad press from both the straight and gay communities alike. We're left as the aliens on the sidelines. And frankly, when I hear things like "bisexuality is a myth" from gay people - people who themselves have been oppressed and discriminated against for their sexuality - well, they of all people should know better.

So, clearly it is in fact necessary to mention the following points:

1. It IS possible to be attracted to both women and men at the same time.
2. It IS possible to be bisexual and have a preference for one gender over the other - sometimes an overwhelming preference, as in my case.
3. Bisexuals are, in general, NOT straight people trying to look cool and different.
4. Bisexuals are, in general, NOT gay people in denial of their "true" sexuality.
5. Biphobia does exist, just like homophobia and, indeed, heterophobia. All three of these things are wrong, and in my view generally come from insecurity about the accuser's own sexuality.
6. We're here, amongst you. Get over it.

Also in the news today, rather fittingly, one of my favourite pop stars Mika finally "came out of the closet" as bi. He's always flat-out refused to admit his sexuality up until now, saying that it's not necessary to stick labels on a person like that, and even now is basically saying "if you must label me, then I guess I'm bi". Unsurprisingly, I've noticed comments on his YouTube videos and on Twitter saying "yeah, right - he's really gay and not saying", which makes my blood boil (see point #4 above)

Apparently he even once got a death threat because "he wouldn't admit" one way or the other. Bloody hell. As I said last November on this here blog, "I have always believed that unless it involves me personally (or I'd like it to), what someone does in their own bedroom and who they're doing it with has nothing to do with me." What the hell difference does it make? Just enjoy his albums (or not, as the case may be)

Kudos to him for actually saying what he said, though. There's still a lot of people I know in the "real world" off the internet who don't know I'm not 100% straight, and that will remain the case - though that's mainly to protect them, rather than me.

Right, that's me done my "angry bi" rant. Let me have another glass of fine red wine and look forward to the autumn. I've got two trips away with GroupieGirl and no less than three concerts to pack in between now and Yuletide - and that's just so far...

VISAGE - THE DAMNED DON'T CRY
(from the album "The Anvil", 1982)

Is It Me?

Is it the place I live?

Is it the company I keep?

Is it the time of year, now we're on the threshold of autumn?

Am I just associating with the wrong people in the wrong town?

Or is it just me?

Then again, what's so wrong with wanting to be alone? There are benefits to being a recluse, you know...

THE WHO - BEHIND BLUE EYES
(from the album "Who's Next", 1971)

Busted Flush

Urrgh... things are just getting on top of me right now.

The lawn outside my house has been slowly but surely turning into a set from "I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here" and so on Sunday morning, I decided I really should do something about it. So, as well as the lawnmower, I got my cordless headphones connected up to my Sky+ box so I could listen to the sounds of Gaydar Radio while I indulged in a bit of horticultural genocide out there. Of course, as soon as I got ready to start, light rain started to fall... but it did clear up later in the day and I managed to fill some black bin liners with grass cuttings. Rather a lot of black bin liners. Anyway, you can at least get to my front door without needing a machete and that's the important thing.

To be honest, I feel like calling up a gardening services firm and slipping them some silver every now and again to maintain the lawn for me. I've never really had any interest in doing the job myself and always end up leaving it for far too long. It's not as if I use the garden anyway - if I owned this place I'd probably just concrete over the damn thing and be done with it.

Anyway, no sooner had I got one problem sorted than another reared it's ugly head. The toileting facilites at Zaphod's place have been problematic for a while, and now the flush on the wretched thing has stopped working completely. Toilets are funny things, you tend to take them for granted until something like this happens. Now when you want to flush the toilet after use, you have to fill a bucket with water and pour that down the pan - which, when you think about it, is all a flushing mechanism actually does. However, it's obviously not something I want to keep doing on a regular basis, nor is it something I'd want visitors to have to put up with, so the professionals had to be called in.

I'm going to need the cistern replaced, as the flushing mechanism is pretty much borked, and it's old and they don't make them like that anymore. Which is another hassle. Mind you, it's taught me never to take things like a working toilet for granted again...

JOHN LENNON - NOBODY TOLD ME
(from the album "Milk And Honey", 1984)

Fin(n)

Yeah, it's been a while since I updated here. For which I apologize. I've let my readers down again, what can I say?

And I'm kinda not in the mood to do a proper post right now anyway. A couple of glasses of 2006 St.Clair red wine has kinda dulled the senses a bit. And when I say a couple of glasses, I mean a couple of my glasses which hold about a quarter litre each... and there's still some more in the kitchen...

Actually, looking back, the last post was written under the influence of alcoholic beverages as well, wasn't it? Ah well, that was a quarter-moon ago, and it's not as though I've been tipsy all the time from that day to this. I mean, I do have a job to hold down and everything!

So here's a nice little song from Finnish band HIM to be going on with, complete with the lyrics, which are a thousand times better than anything I could write at the moment. I love this song to death (no pun intended) and it's a shame I can't embed the actual video as I class Ville Valo in the same category as Mika, if you know what I mean :)

No doubt I'll be playing some more of this sort of thing before I go to bed tonight. Why? Because it feels good, that's why. In a hundred years, none of this will matter...

HIM - JOIN ME IN DEATH
(from the album "Razorblade Romance", 2000)

We are so young, our lives have just begun
But already we are considering escape from this world
And we've waited for so long for this moment to come
We're so anxious to be together, together in death

Won't you die tonight for love? (baby, join me in death)
Won't you die? (baby, join me in death)
Won't you die tonight for love? (baby, join me in death)

This world is a cruel place and we're here only to lose
So before life tears us apart let death bless me with you

Won't you die tonight for love? (baby, join me in death)
Won't you die? (baby, join me in death)
Won't you die tonight for love? (baby, join me in death)
Join me in death.

This life ain't worth living...

Beaujolais Rhapsody

I don't think I care anymore....

Whenever I play this track, I have vivid memories of one night during my time in university, a good decade and a half ago now, where my class went on a "pub crawl" - which wasn't much, in the event - both bars at the university union, then a club which was frequented by the local students. Anyway, there was a beautiful girl I fancied, and conversation at my student residence had indicated someone else fancied her too, so I decided that day was going to be my chance to chat her up. Of course, my rival in this quest was the one who made more of an impact on her... and looking back with hindsight, she made the right choice - my poetry and rose-giving, which was my style at the time, would not have been appreciated.

And so, as the night went on, I decided to put this track on the jukebox and try to get some of the lads involved in a singalong (which was quite easy to do by this point). I put everything I had into my air guitar and the singing of the lyrics, because I knew I no longer had any chance with this chick. It was my way of abandoning the quest, and saying to myself "nothing really matters"... because it doesn't, really, does it?

Anyway, I'm going to have another glass or two of fine wine. If I'm not back again this time tomorrow, carry on. Carry on, as if nothing really matters.

QUEEN - BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY
(from the album "A Night At The Opera", 1975)