Flickring Flames

It's been a week and a half since I wrote anything here, and that I think is the longest gap between two entries since I started this blog six moons or so ago. It's also only the tenth entry this month, again a far cry from the likes of December when I managed a post every single day (and given that December is a pretty hectic time for me, that was quite an achievement, I thought)

So what's changed? Well, maybe I just didn't feel like blogging. I've not been feeling too great since my last entry, I've noticed I've been feeling quite tired a lot, and there's been pain in my legs (and occasionally my left side). I've just put it down to particularly heavy days at work, but I must admit I'm a little concerned about myself. I had plans for last weekend (which was a three-day weekend for me) but found myself spending most of it lying in bed or sitting on the couch - I didn't feel like doing much else. Not good. Whatever is wrong, I hope it goes away soon - but my tiredness and the fact it's meaning I'm not doing much except working and sleeping meant there wasn't much to blog about over the last few days.

I don't seem to be alone in this lack of blogging either. A few of my online friends & contacts have also been writing a lot less than usual in their blogs (and in one case, closed the blog completely). In their cases I put that down to the fact that they're quite busy with things at the moment - and also enjoying life. I remember reading something about keeping journals, and the fact that we're more likely to keep journals when things aren't going quite so well for us - when times are good, we're so busy enjoying life that we don't have time to write anything, and perhaps there's truth in that.

Anyway, yesterday was a really good day I think - it was tiring but productive at work, and then I went home and after a few hours snooze Groupie came round and we got some pictures taken for the girls at the Popular Podcast - they'd sent me a free t-shirt with the podcast logo on, and wanted some pics of me wearing it for their Flickr group. I told them sure, and I'd get Groupie to pose in the shirt too if they wanted. The plan was to get that done at the weekend, but me feeling less than great scuppered those plans, so it had to wait till last night when she came over - but we had a great time taking a few snaps and then deciding which ones to send to the group.

Which of course meant I had to join Flickr...but I've been feeling like doing that for quite a while, so today after work I created my account and uploaded my first photos. I'm not sure how much I'll use Flickr in the future - I am no David Bailey, not by any stretch of the imagination - but then I wasn't sure how much I'd use Twitter, or last.fm, or the blog... so maybe you should keep watching...

See you in May then, month of my birthday - and Eurovision...

BUCKS FIZZ - MY CAMERA NEVER LIES
(from the album "Are You Ready?", 1982)

GroupieGirl 2.0??

Well, Groupie and I met up yesterday for the first time in weeks... and I have to say, it went well. Very well in fact. We met up in the city core for some coffee & cake, which turned into spending pretty much the whole day together - we spent some time in the park playing with her eye.fo flying disc and we spent some time in the pub planning to drink strawberry beer, although rather sadly they had ran out of the stuff so we had to find some other fruit-flavoured adult beverage to drink.

We also had a right laugh about various things - the current occupant of the White House will probably be referred to as President Banana for the rest of his term in office, by the two of us at least... and it was good to catch up on what we'd been doing and thinking about since we last met under much sadder and more difficult circumstances a month ago.

She's told me she's inquiring about anger management and confidence building classes, and she seems serious about it. I think she's realized that she can't truly love anyone unless she loves herself first - and she's doing this for herself, for her own benefit, not simply as a way to get me back into her life, which I totally agree with. I wouldn't want anyone to change themselves just for my benefit - that wouldn't be fair - but I'm all for her doing this. She's also been looking into various other things, which I may or may not mention here as and when they come up, and she seems determined to get herself out of the rut she's found herself in, which I wholeheartedly support. Perhaps the month apart shook her up enough to realize she needed to get herself sorted out.

So, where does that leave us? Well, I told her that I didn't want anything heavy - to be truthful, I want to see if she really is going to change - and she seems happy with that. We are planning to go to some gigs together in May (she's buying me tickets to see the Australian Pink Floyd band re-enact "The Wall" for my birthday, which is great news) and she's let me borrow a couple of her CDs including the signed copy of Right Said Fred's album that features her doll on the cover - they finally sent it over (although her credit on the album has her name slightly misspelled - sigh)

It looks like we're friends again, which is the important thing. I even showed her my Twitter page (though not the blog) so she finally knows who Zaphod Camden is. I explained the concept of Twitter to her, and she seemed quite interested, although I could see in her eyes that she was unsure about the whole thing - but that's because the internet is an unfamiliar place to her. Whisper it, but I think I'd like her to get on Twitter as well...

AC/DC - BACK IN BLACK
(from the album "Back In Black", 1980)

Twenty Eight Days Later

Almost exactly one moon ago Groupie and I agreed not to see each other for a month, although at the time I felt it was pointless carrying on what we had at all and we should just finish it permanently.

Well, after three weeks or so of absolutely no contact between us, we have started texting each other again, and tomorrow, four weeks to the day since we last met, we plan to meet up for coffee & cake. I must admit it'll be good to see her again, despite everything that's happened I have missed her. She tells me she feels a bit nervous about it all, to which I responded "c'mon, it's 2009 not 1996..."

I've a sneaking suspicion that she thinks we're going to carry on where we left off in March though, and that ain't necessarily so - what happened then happened for a reason after all, and I really am not willing to go through all the bitterness and spite and drama all over again. After all, I have enough issues of my own to deal with, not to mention the fact that if this town was a bit more gay-friendly I'd have been exploring my bi side a bit more (there's always my next solo trip to London though, whenever that may be - heh heh)

Right now I want to just be free and have fun, with no ties to anyone - well, maybe a loose tie or two, but that's about it. But I'm not ruling anything out. I mean, she's told me she realizes she was being hateful and clingy before, so maybe things have changed - we will wait and see.

Regardless, I still think she's beautiful, and I still want to be her friend at least - because as I've mentioned before, she understands me like few others, and we do have over a decade of history and shared experiences to draw on after all.

See you tomorrow, GroupieGirl.

The Only Thing Dealt Here Is Cards, Mate!

It's been another one of those days where I've spent most of it sitting or lying on my bed feeling rather nihilistic. I really shouldn't waste days like this, because as they say, you have no idea how many more of them you're going to get. Plus there are things I really should be doing. But I just didn't feel up to it. So, another day written off.

This gives me a chance to moan about something which happened a couple of days ago. Actually, it used to happen on a regular basis, but had stopped happening up until now - and I'm not happy about it at all.

Due to the fact I don't have a car and can't be bothered making daily trips to the shops on public transport, I order my groceries online and get them delivered. Much easier, and although there is a delivery charge you can usually get enough money off via special offers to more than make up for it. Anyway, I'd ordered some stuff and scheduled the delivery for Wednesday evening (they work in two hour slots, so I knew it was coming between 17.00 and 19.00)

Just after 17.00 I heard a knock on my door, and thought "that'll be the groceries" so off I went to open the door. I could hear what sounded like someone talking on a mobile phone on the other side of the door as I looked for my keys. Something didn't seem right somehow, but I opened the door regardless.

Standing there was a guy who was quite clearly NOT working for the supermarket, and there were no sign of any groceries either. He wasn't talking on the phone, he was shouting to himself. He was unshaven, stank of B.O. and looked like he was on something - typical of the lowlife scum I am sadly surrounded by on this bloody estate.

He mumbled something to me a couple of times, and after I said "what?" to him in a rather annoyed voice, he said "er, do you sell stuff?" I replied "I don't sell anything, mate".

"Oh...I think I've got the wrong house mate! Sorry pal" he said. "Yeah, I think you have mate" I replied as I closed the door on him. Bloody hell, I thought, it's started again...

Every now and then I get people who look like they were extras in the movie "Deliverance" banging on my door and then either asking the above question or in some cases (thankfully) realizing their mistake and running away. Someone on my street must be dealing in drugs or something - not sure whether we're talking marijuana or heroin, but I suspect the latter going by the people I see and the area I live in.

And I really wish it would bloody well stop. Groupie was round one night when a couple of these mouth-breathers came knocking, and she was really freaked out by it all. I don't blame her - and if I was 65 instead of 35 I'd probably be really scared as well. They realize their mistake soon enough, but it's still bloody annoying. It's bad enough hearing the local juvenile delinquents getting wasted on white cider and kicking the bus shelters in of an evening without the buggers banging on your door because they've heard there's a new consignment of smack on the go and they can't remember the dealer's address. That's if they know which street they're in, which I doubt sometimes. Zog I hate this place.

For this reason (amongst others) I no longer answer my door unless I'm expecting someone - you can knock all day if you want but I'm not coming!! It just so happens this guy showed up at the wrong place at the wrong time - and reinforced my belief that it's better to stay indoors...

MEN AT WORK - WHO CAN IT BE NOW?
(from the album "Business As Usual", 1981)

It's A Cold And It's A Broken Hallelujah

Once again it's been a quarter-moon since I last wrote anything here, but don't worry, you've not missed much. I've not really felt like blogging, taking the old adage "if you have nothing nice to say then don't say anything" to heart. This entry will probably be a long one, though, to make up for it, so grab a coffee...

Oh, there was the AmazonFail debacle at the weekend, and I did draft an angry and emotional entry slating them for what they'd done, and that how dare they decide to "protect" me from "undesirable" books without even having an option to switch the filtering off, like Google Safesearch, and that the books affected showed the policy up to be ham-fisted at best and downright homophobic and sex-negative at worst - but many more bloggers wrote pieces on the affair far better than I ever could. Anyway, I decided not to post it until I'd calmed down, and by then, apathy had set in, so we'll just leave it.

All I will say is that I will never shop there again (and you may notice my wishlist has gone from the sidebar). But I'm not going to demand that everyone else does the same thing. There's nothing worse than someone ramming an opinion down your throat, and I learned long ago that you can't control people like that - and nor would I want to. Read the coverage on the web and make up your own mind. End of.

An online friend of mine has given up cigarettes, alcohol and chasing boys - and she seems to be feeling a heck of a lot happier and more energized than she's felt in a long time, which is great and I'm really happy for her. I'm trying to get myself out of a rut as well - I've mentioned this earlier here - but it's difficult. I still seem to be slipping into the old habit of sleeping all afternoon and sitting randomly websurfing all evening, although I have made some changes - I've been snacking on strawberries a lot over the last couple of days for instance, and I'm now walking back home from work every day (although, in a job like mine, I do a lot of walking every day already) I'm also waking up at 05.00 and having something more substantial for breakfast than a Red Bull and a vitamin pill (I still have those, but with something else now), and I've actually been going to bed on the same day I wake up all this week as well!! So, little steps are being made.

And yet I still find myself making Twitter posts like this and feeling that there is absolutely no point in anything in life. To try and salvage one evening I went down to a bar which I enjoy going to, and I wore my Space Invaders T-Shirt and sat quietly in the corner drinking Guinness looking at the crowd and trying to spot look-alikes (Gok Wan and Mika were represented). But it didn't lift the mood, and when someone put Jeff Buckley's "Hallelujah" on the video jukebox I almost burst into tears there and then. Thankfully I managed to hold it in until I got home and had a listen to my own copy.

I had a dream this afternoon (yes, fell asleep again) and woke up feeling pretty sad and annoyed. In the dream I was walking back home from work and when I got to my house I noticed the curtains were open - I usually keep them shut all day - so I knew someone was in the house. And when I got in, I found everything tidy and clean. "My mother's here!" I angrily shouted, and went round to the back door. Sure enough, there she was, with the lawnmower in her hand. "What the hell do you think you're doing?" I shouted. "NEVER - ever - do that again" and then, as I saw the hurt in her eyes, I lowered my voice and said "or at least, make sure you're gone before I get home. I really hate you doing this".

And it's true. I'd rather live in a bombsite than have my mum (or sister, or anyone) tidy the place up for me. Perhaps because I felt my mum was, shall we say, a little overprotective of me when I was growing up. She was a "helicopter parent" long before the term was invented. Not to mention continually rifling through my stuff when I was a teenager. The trouble is it's made me perhaps go too much the other way. Sometimes we can't do everything on our own - and yet instead of looking for help, I find myself getting overwhelmed by it all.

Maybe that's why I'm sitting here in a messy house still. But I will get my act together. Or lay down and die, and either way the problem won't be a problem anymore, will it?

This track has been featured here before - and I think this is the first time I've posted a song twice to this blog since I started, six months and 133 entries ago - but the visuals are different this time :)

JEFF BUCKLEY - HALLELUJAH
(from the album "Grace", 1994)

Things Can Only Get Better

My sleeping pattern is once again screwed up and I'm beginning to lose track of what time it is. I found myself awake at 03.30 this morning, and after trying to get back to sleep for a while decided it wasn't worth it and got up for some coffee. Today was a day of much rain - particularly early morning, and it was really nice to watch (and listen to) the rain falling in the early hours. And when I went out on the rounds today there was that sort of April shower feel in the air, along with the blossom on some of the trees. It felt refreshing.

I felt happy, and that lasted for quite a while - until thoughts of the Groupie situation came into my head and started bringing me down again. Said thoughts may fit better on an entry of their own - but let's just say I'm not sure whether I'm missing what was or grieving the final end of what was... or something. I've said all along that I'm OK as long as I don't think about it - but some day very soon I will have to think about it, won't I?

Anyway, I've been mainly feeling quite productive and happy. I finally made progress on some things which have been bugging me for ages!! Taking a leaf out of the "GTD" book, I listed some things which I really would like to get sorted and wrote down, for each one, the very next action I should take towards getting it done. Then I picked one and said to myself "If you do nothing else with this list today - at least do this". Now, my to-do list effectively consisted of precisely one item. So I went off and did it!! Cross it off and repeat!!

So yesterday was a very productive day, I think. Today, I feel less so, but I shouldn't really, because it was a really hard day at work and I managed to get through it with no trouble. I'm guilty of ignoring that in my mind because it's "work" but it all counts. It's not as though I'm just sitting on my sofa staring into space & surfing all day.

Falling asleep in the afternoon didn't help though, and I woke up after three hours with a real pain in my head, feeling like trash. The problem with me is that if I do fall asleep in the afternoon I have to "get going" again in the evening when I wake up, and while that's easy to do if I have something on, like a concert or a film to see, when I have things to do that aren't at a scheduled time - things around the house for example - it's easy to say "ah, screw it....gimme something to drink and let's see what's on the TV" (or latterly, "what's on the net")

If I could remove the afternoon sleeping thing, then maybe I'd get more stuff done. Of course, the reason I started sleeping in the afternoon in the first place was because people around me don't work my hours, so in order to socialize with them in the evenings I had to catch up with sleep in the afternoons, particularly in the early days when my working hours were slightly different. The main reason, of course, was Groupie, who worked office hours. But she doesn't work any more... and of course, maybe we don't work any more... so there's no reason to keep doing it every day now.

Regardless, I'll probably be awake till after 24.00 tonight, and while I plan to wake up around my usual 05.15, or maybe an hour or so later, even though I'm not working tomorrow (in a bid to reset the clock) I can see me turning off the alarm and sleeping in till lunchtime. I've done it before, many times. I know the drill.

And so, to my track for this entry. I've always associated the 1980s pop star Howard Jones with Milton Keynes for some reason - I have no idea why? Perhaps I thought he came from there, which seems pretty stupid when you think about it, given he's 12 years older than the city itself!! He was actually born in Southampton, but went to school in High Wycombe - which actually isn't too far away from MK. Perhaps that's where it came from.

Anyway, I liked him back then and I like him still. "New Song", his first hit, is one of my favourites and always makes me happy when I hear it. This particular track, though, was the first one of his I actually bought at the time it was released - I can still remember seeing the video on Top Of The Pops even now!! Well, here is that video, along with the song lyrics - because I think there's a message in them for me, and for some of my other online friends as well...do feel free to sing along.

HOWARD JONES - THINGS CAN ONLY GET BETTER
(from the album "Dream Into Action", 1985)


We're not scared to lose it all, security throw through the wall
Future dreams we have to realize
A thousand sceptic hands won't keep us from the things we plan
Unless were clinging to the things we prize

And do you feel scared?
I do, but I won't stop and falter
And if we threw it all away things can only get better...

Treating today as though it was the last, the final show
Get to sixty and feel no regret
It may take a little time, a lonely path, an uphill climb
Success or failure will not alter it

And do you feel scared?
I do, but I won't stop and falter
And if we threw it all away things can only get better...

Eight Simple Rules

My fellow Scot William Wallace (of "Braveheart" fame) is alleged to have said "Every man dies, but not every man really lives". Living life to the max is something we all aspire to, isn't it? We may have different ideas as to what "the max" is, but we all want to get there.

When you think about it, everyone of us fought through tremendous odds just to get here at all. We all started out when a sperm met an egg, and that lucky sperm was one of over a hundred million! And think how many pregnancies end in miscarriage, or abortions, or stillbirths. (I'm told the doctors tried to convince my mother to abort me, as she was in her early 40s and it was felt then that was taking quite a risk)

Just getting here was a struggle. We're all lucky to be alive, so, it could be argued, what right do any of us have to waste a day of our lives feeling sorry for ourselves? Well, anyone who's known someone with depression or have had it themselves know it's not as clear-cut as that, but the fact remains, why just exist, when you can live?

I've been doing some thinking on that subject, and came up with the following:

ONE - I really need to just chill out and lighten up a little. Like it or not, all of us only have a fixed amount of days to enjoy ourselves in, and we have no idea ahead of time how many days we've actually got. Personally speaking, no matter how many days I've been allocated, it's not going to be enough to fit in everything I'd like to do, and I imagine most people feel that way too. So every day spent moping around fretting over things like past relationships or future relationships or how the world is a cold and lonely place is subtracting from an already inadequate supply of time. I've got more important things to do - I may not know what they are yet, but that's no excuse to waste time on the emo-stuff.

TWO - If I do move to Milton Keynes in 2011 - or wherever, whenever - then it'll probably mean that I'll be housesharing, for financial reasons if nothing else. This will be a different way of living to what I've been doing for the last decade or so. Which is best? Maybe the more communal aspects of housesharing would be beneficial to me. Or maybe I really prefer the independence and solitude of living alone. In any event, I should really appreciate the good things about my current situation while I'm in it, and that goes for my current location as well. I may have an awful lot to say about this place, but there are many, many places I can think of which would be worse. I'm still unsure about whether or not I've even got the confidence to up sticks and leave here - but either way, I should be appreciating what's good about what I have right now, even if I plan to change it.

THREE - As far as where I'm currently living goes, I need to declutter and simplify. If nothing else, it'll be a lot easier to move if I have less stuff. Learning to get by with less may also be advantageous if I do move. And it'll be easier to keep this place clean and tidy too. They say a disordered physical space can lead to a disordered mental space - so maybe I should get this place cleaned up, and get rid of things I no longer need.

FOUR - If I do decide to get back together with Groupie, it'll probably be on different terms from before, probably looser. I was told by a friend that maybe I should explore my bi side a bit more, and maybe that would be a good idea - but to be honest I don't think I want a "relationship" at the moment - of any stripe. Regardless of whether we do get back together, the fact that I've initiated a break in things means it can never be the same again, and so there's still going to be a "getting over things" process I have to go through. That's where I'm at now, I think.

FIVE - I'm not a rich person by any means, quite the reverse - but I'm lucky enough to not be in debt to anyone, and am able to live within my means. However, there's probably not enough money in the world for me to do everything I want to do either, and keeping a tight rein on my finances may open up opportunities to do new things. There's some software I've found which could help me with this, which I may review here later once I've used it for a while (it's a lot simpler than other personal finance programs like Quicken that I've seen) And with the economic downturn, it's important to make every cent count.

SIX - I need to take better care of myself. I find I'm lacking energy and feeling tired a lot, and that needs to be taken care of. You don't have anything if you don't have your health, and I know I should maybe be making changes with regard to diet and exercise for example. More fruit juice would be a start, I think!!

SEVEN - I've already mentioned on here that I think I may have schizoid personality disorder - or less dramatically perhaps, maybe I just prefer my own company. I'm not sure if my current unwillingness to engage with the outside world and particularly to talk to people is due to this or not, but one thing I must guard against doing is alienating my online friends. They've helped me more than I think they know over the last few months, and I feel like I really care about them. And if that sounds sad, well, call me a saddo. I don't think there's any problem with having online friendships, even close ones.

EIGHT - I certainly need to fill my leisure time with more activites than mindlessly surfing Wikipedia and related websites while drinking red wine or vodka. Perhaps I need to find some new hobbies, or reactivating old ones (back to the poker table, perhaps?) even consider branching out into a different career. Although I'll be 36 in May, that's not too old to make a change like that, and perhaps I should give considerable thought to something like that.

"If you put your mind to it, you can accomplish anything." - Back To The Future

The most important thing to remember about all of this though is that it's easier to make a little change than a big one. There's another famous quotation that states a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step, and that's just as well, as single steps are all I feel comfortable taking right now. Those single steps can add up though - google the Japanese term "kaizen" to see what I mean, which incidentally can be literally translated as "change is good" in English.

I don't know what I want out of life, perhaps I never will. But I do know I want to be happy. I know I'm not there now, but I know I will be someday. Right now I'm just resting up before the thousand mile journey - and whether that'll be a journey planned out with a map, or just me sticking my thumb in the air and hitching a ride to someplace, I hope it'll be a good one.

JOHN LENNON - WATCHING THE WHEELS
(from the album "Double Fantasy", 1980)

Worn Out Places, Worn Out Faces

It has become glaringly obvious even to people who only know me online that something's not right with the alien amongst you. What exactly is wrong, though, is a bit more difficult to pin down.

It could be the situation with Groupie, it could be me genuinely going insane, or maybe it's just a mid-life crisis kicking in. You know, I was thinking while I was in the shower that people leaving school this summer at age 18 would have been born when I was 18 myself - and therefore anyone I see in school uniform, from that day forth, wouldn't have been around during my own school days. 36 may not seem like a milestone year - it's not exactly a nice round number (although it is six sixes, which appeals to me) - but when you take the above into account, it is - it's like a generational shift or something.

Most of the people who were also born during the glam rock era will probably be married, mortgaged and looking after the youth of today by now. Three things which I don't want to do - ever. So where does that leave me? What's my purpose in life?? I guess all I want to do is have a good time while I still can.

What I need to do is just stop being so hard on myself and chill out a little. I had a great chat with one of my online friends this evening which helped me a lot. I've not left the house (apart from going to work) for a fortnight now - I find I'm either too exhausted or too fragile emotionally to want to go anywhere. I did think about going out for a bit of a boogie last night, but hearing the local lowlife outside rather put me off...so yet again it was the comfy sofa, the mindless websurfing and the red wine.

I know I need to take better care of myself, and I will. Once I've got over whatever it is I need to get over.

TEARS FOR FEARS - MAD WORLD
(from the album "The Hurting", 1982)

Not Sure If You're A Boy Or A Girl...

...to be honest, I don't think I'm sure of anything about me at the moment. Well, at least I can answer the above - although with orange painted toenails and Veet cream in my bathroom, I can see why some people would doubt :) However, I'm through with these small-minded individuals, and particularly their biphobia - but don't get me started on that...

I do seem to be losing it though - at least over the last twenty four hours. Slowly but surely I could feel my sanity draining away. I'm feeling quite tired a lot - I'm back to the practice of coming home from work, crashing out in bed for several hours and then dragging myself to the sofa and websurfing until the other side of midnight, but I really don't feel like doing much else to be honest. Still a bit fragile, maybe?? I know I'm a bit congested in the nose & throat again, which seems to be my natural state at the moment - that doesn't help.

And my dreams are getting more and more bizarre - I found myself walking through the main street of the little village I went to primary school in (and where my parents live now) - it looked completely different and everything was closed (and dripping in neon, for some reason). Then I found myself in a room being attacked by mad seagulls which were flying in through an open window. I felt too weak to get up and run away, so I just hit out at their beaks - and woke up to find myself in bed hitting the wall with my fist. Cuckoo...cuckoo...

I'm not sure why these dreams are happening - it could be exhaustion, it could be the red wine which I've been downing in, let's say, moderately liberal amounts, or it could be from the chemicals I used to clean the oven last night - yes, I finally got round to it, so that's one task done!! Now if I could only get the laundry off the floor, and the stuff under my bed sorted out...

Work today was a real hassle - as well as feeling rather detached from reality I had to put up with a certain bloody colleague who was even more annoying than usual. I don't want to talk to this guy - this has nothing to do with my current fragility (if that is a word) - I genuinely find this guy loud and obnoxious. But for some reason he just keeps on shouting across the office towards me trying to get a reaction!! Usually I can just block him out, but today - a lot harder, as I wasn't on full power, as it were.

But what really hit me today was the radio at work - for some reason, all the songs being played today reminded me of Groupie, or made me think about her - and that made me feel really sad all morning. Maybe I miss her - or rather, maybe I miss what was good about what we had together. And there were many good things, as I'm sure I've mentioned before... I felt like saying to hell with waiting the whole month, and calling her tonight, just to see how she is - but she'd only want to come round, and we'd end up having a conversation I don't feel up to having right now. Or, one thing would lead to another and we'd end up spending the night together - and that would complicate things even more.

It would be nice to just be held close right now. It would be nice to just get some lavender massage oil out and put on some 10cc or Marvin Gaye and give someone a backrub or something. But I don't think I want to get emotionally involved with anyone right now - I reckon I'm damaged goods anyway. And while it would be nice to snuggle up to Groupie again, that comes with a price which I don't think is worth paying.

At least there are some really cool people out in social networking-land who cheer me up and make me smile. It's an old lament of mine that it's a shame they're at opposite ends of the country (or the world, in some cases) and I can't go out for a drink with them or anything - but right now that doesn't matter. I think I prefer a virtual environment at the moment anyway.

DAVID BOWIE - REBEL REBEL
(from the album "Diamond Dogs", 1974)

What I Did On My Day Off

Mid-morning. April one. I finally drag myself out of the bed I've spent the last twelve hours in, and I'm reminded of the mess my life seems to be in at the moment. Clothes on the floor, the odd can sitting on a windowsill - and I really need to clean that oven, don't I?

I still feel fragile. I open the curtains - which itself is a step up from usual. It's not the nicest of views outside and I'm not really a fan of looking out at it. But I need some sunlight and there seems to be plenty of it outside. I don't want to go out, though. Too fragile. Still don't feel like talking to anyone.

I spend the afternoon observing the G20 protests on my leather sofa. My screen has TV coverage in one window, and Twitter updates scrolling quickly past. Just because I don't feel like engaging with the world doesn't mean I can't watch what's happening out there from the sanctuary of my little house.

I get the occasional mention on Twitter. I'd posted my four thousandth update - a Thompson Twins track from my beloved 80s, and now I had a decision to make. Did I want to continue with this? I look at the follower count of the people I'm following. Triple-digit, mainly. They're not going to miss me. But I send a few direct messages back anyway.

The story subsides and I find myself on YouTube - looking for some good music. The disco tracks come out, quickly followed by the red wine. My mood lifts. I start to smile. Maybe I could go out this evening...maybe not. Not sure if I'm feeling up to it yet. Not sure if I ever will.

I think about my blog, and Twitter, and decide that even if it was the case that no-one read anything I wrote on either, I should still continue with them. Sometimes we all need a place to voice our thoughts. And I guess that's all I've got.

More red wine. More nostalgic tracks. It's probably too late to go out now, and I'm probably not in a fit state. The oven cleaning will certainly have to wait. Then I realize how hungry I am - I've not eaten much all day! Good, I think. I need to lose a couple of kilos and a few centimetres round the waist. And I seem to have reacted badly to the Veet experiment - I can feel red spots all over my chest. Not the most attractive sight. Just as well no-one is going to see it.

Never mind. Sandwiches made, a little more red wine, some more music....let me forget my troubles and my issues for a while...

I awaken in the night and find myself lying on my bed in my t-shirt and jeans. There's a cold tingling feeling going up my legs. Must be cold out there tonight. I go to the fridge and down about a half-litre of Evian to counteract the wine. My brain is overheating with thoughts, and pictures, and sounds...I wonder if this is what madness is like.

I try to calm myself and blank my mind, but it's difficult. It's racing at two hundred km an hour, and I can't seem to stop it. I eventually manage to mentally picture myself standing outside in the cold night - perhaps in a barn, open at one side, all alone, where no-one can see me. Like I used to do when I was younger. That thought calms me and sends me off to sleep again.

Again I awaken. Five a.m. The alarm will be sounding soon. I reluctantly get out of bed and have a breakfast of chocomilk, painkillers and vitamin pills. I still feel strange. I switch on the tv and am instantly confronted by a close up of some topless woman on the phone. I grab the remote and switch to my Mac desktop. I didn't expect that sight this early. Not what my mind needs now. Find my uniform, get in it, grab a few bags of crisps and get on my way to work. The sky looks strange - almost deep purple with fascinating cloud shapes.

Just before I go to work I post update 4,001 to Twitter. Maybe I'll give it another thousand after all.

ELECTRIC LIGHT ORCHESTRA - CONFUSION
(from the album "Discovery", 1979)