Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow

Well, as the old saying goes, there's been some changes made. There's a faint smell of chemical products from my bathroom, looking in the mirror is a strange experience which I'm going to have to get used to and I have no idea what GroupieGirl is going to say about all of this...

When I was 21, I used to have long hair - the classic mullet, which you'll have seen on the various social networking sites I frequent as I used to use a picture from there as an avatar. My hair's a lot shorter now, because, well, it started to disappear and there's nothing sadder than a guy who's thin on top trying to camouflage it by wearing what's left of it long and straggly. But as far as the rest of my body went, I wouldn't say I was that hairy - probably about average for a white Scottish guy. I'm certainly no "medallion man", and wouldn't want to be.

The hair on my chest in particular never really bothered me - I never gave it much thought. Until the day, a few months ago, when I was larking around with Groupie and she said "you know, you've got a patch of grey on your chest". This just blew me away. "Really?" I asked. And I had - and I felt really sad about it. I just didn't feel ready to have grey hair on my body, even though I'd had some on my head for a while. "Too young for that" I thought. I mean, I realize it's a natural process - we all get older, sadly. And it's not as though many people were going to see it anyway! I'm not one for going topless in public, even on a beach, and trust me, that's probably just as well!!

But still, I wasn't happy about this new development, and out came the scissors to remove the offending grey hairs, which I somehow managed to do without stabbing myself in the chest. When they grew back, I cut them off again. And then I started to think about just getting rid of it. All of it.

I'd seen pictures of Richard Fairbrass out of Right Said Fred (quite a few, as Groupie's association with the band developed during 2008) and I thought, hmmm, maybe I could try that. Didn't want to go to a beauty parlour, though. And I wasn't having wax put on me - that sounded painful! Something like Veet hair removal cream would do the trick - which used to be called Immac here, and which I remember an ex-girlfriend of mine using for a while back in the 1990s. Well, why not give it a go??


I remember the first time I bought contraceptives, which is supposedly an embarrassing time for a young lad. Not for me though - this was 1990, I'd seen the AIDS adverts on TV, I was sensible about these things - no problem. Buying Veet hair removal cream in 2009 though - now that was a different matter. I skirted around the aisle of the chemist several times before plucking up the courage to pick the thing up and take it to the till. And - oh no - there were women in the queue. And on the tills. I turned the tube around in my palm so the identity of the stuff couldn't be seen. Why did I feel like this?? I dunno. It was clearly marked "FOR MEN" and was in amongst the shaving gel, so why the shyness?? Anyway, I bought the stuff and went home with it. No turning back now.

With a soundtrack of 1960s music in the background, I went into the bathroom, took a deep breath, and smeared the stuff all over my front. Then five minutes later I stepped into the shower and the depilation began in earnest. It was a weird experience, I can assure you! It felt like toothpaste, and the hair was coming off like a sticker on a CD case. I did it in sections, and I had to use a razor to get some areas clear, but before long, I was looking at myself in the mirror at a sight I hadn't seen since the Reagan administration - me with no hair on my chest.

It looked strange. It certainly felt strange. And putting a t-shirt on felt a bit uncomfortable at first. But I'm slowly getting used to it, and I think I like the effect. One thing it's highlighted is that I need to get toned up a bit, which could well be my alien new year's resolution (if I bothered to make any)

I've deliberately not told Groupie, and I'm not going to - so she'll have a bit of a shock coming to her if she's round at my house again! I have no plans to remove the rest of my body hair (at least not yet...one thing at a time, yeah?) Oh, and before anyone asks - no pictures either. Believe me, you don't want to see me undressed... you really don't...