Don't Bring Me Down...

It's probably just as well there's no alcohol in the house at the moment. For one thing I've got work to go to...and for another thing, long term readers will know what happens when I blog drunk...

I was round at Groupie's bringing black forest gateaux (officially my favourite cake in the world, just so you know) and the Scooter DVD she bought me at Christmas - neither of us had seen it yet, so I thought I'd bring it along to try and cheer her up. Because, again, she's in a really bad way...and right now, I think I'm going down as well.

I'm not willing to go into specifics here, basically to protect people who don't read this blog and can't put their side of the story. However, I will say that Groupie is really not in a happy mood right now at all. She's been crying a lot and really stressing out over certain things. I try the best I can to cheer her up, and it works for a while, but it seems like I turn my back for a minute and she's off again. I feel like she needs someone to help her through this - she needs me to help her through this...but I'm not sure I can, or even want to any more. I know that sounds really harsh, but it's the way I feel.

When I was over there, she started saying things which hurt me a little. Hopefully I've just got the wrong end of the stick here, but I don't think I have. It sounds like she feels jealous of me and my life at the moment - and the fact it's going fairly well in comparison to hers. My trip to London is in just a few days and she keeps saying "I need to get away..." despite the fact I've offered to go somewhere with her in a couple of weeks (and that may be London again if circumstances pan out - she has a friend there who can get us cheap accomodation) But she (like her late mother) is coming over all "I'm not happy, so no-one else can be happy either. I'm only concerned with myself right now..." and I know her current state of mind is partially responsible for this, but I'll level with you - she can be a right bitter bitch sometimes, and it hurts when you're in the firing line.

Also, she seems to be blaming some of her circumstances on me!! I kept my mouth shut so as not to cause an even bigger scene at her place, but seriously?? Again, I'll not go into specifics - and I'll acknowledge that some of her circumstances are just unlucky happenings - but I'm not taking the rap for things which are as much her fault as mine, or even more so. She just doesn't want to take the responsibility for certain things. Never has, to be honest. Zog, it's like dealing with a child sometimes - and it hurts to say this, but it's true. She even admits it sometimes!! And I'm getting tired of this.

Perhaps that's why I'm sitting here in the dark listening to sad Dutch songs. I know I said I wouldn't get all emo-like over our position in 2009...and I'm trying not to - but again I find myself questioning whether we should carry on, and whether it's worth it for the good things about us - and there are some :) I did say back in December that it seemed like the beginning of the end of what we had...and maybe that was true. And it's a shame, as I do care about her incredibly.

You know, I've been feeling really happy over the last couple of days - work has been light and easy and I've been in a cheerful frame of mind. I hadn't seen Groupie since Friday...tonight I did see her and I feel emotionally choked up again. I'm not saying the two things are linked... I'm not making any conclusions - not yet....

COLDPLAY - FIX YOU
(from the album "X&Y", 2005)