By And Bi

OK, consider this my blog "coming-out". And bear in mind I've been drinking a lot of red wine, so apologies if this is a little incoherent....

Last night (and let's be honest, partially as a "test" to see if anyone actually read my tweets - yes, I've been feeling insecure again, deal with it - but mainly because I felt comfortable doing it) I posted the following - "watching Mika videos - and thinking, I wouldn't kick him out of bed...just as well nobody reads this, eh?" Well, of course, people did, and within a few minutes a follower from NZ (who's really sweet by the way) tweeted back. Incidentally, she said "differences are what makes friends special and unique" which is a beautiful comment. I said to her, "I've got a blog post to write, haven't I?" and so this is it.

This particular alien is bisexual.

Well - actually, it's not as simple as that (it wouldn't be, would it?) I suppose I'm what's known as "bi-curious" or officially "Kinsey 1" - that is, I vastly prefer being with girls (and incidentally, not just sexually - I prefer the company of women in any form) but I am open to being with a boy under the right circumstances. Let's just say that in the past I've been with girls, and I've been with boys....and I know what I like (the estrogen-based folk, usually!)

My first "proper" girlfriend came out as bi around 1993 or so. After a lot of discussions, we decided that we would "open" the relationship - because, not to mince words, as a man I could only satisfy part of her needs, as it were. (the terms were originally both of us could see other women as long as we were totally honest about it to each other) Both of us then started to visit a gay bar - and there's not too many of those here as the north of Scotland is not exactly a gay-friendly place. We posed simply "as friends" while we were there, she started to talk to the girls....and the guys started to talk to me.

Now bear in mind I was 20, and in a sort of mood to experiment with - well, just about anything (this was when I first tried BDSM, cannabis, LSD, and even cigarettes - some I liked, some I didn't) I found myself becoming friends with this guy, and well, not to put too fine a point on it I ended up going back to his place one evening to drop some acid and ended up spending the night with him. Personally, I think he was trying to get me high so he could have me. If so, he had things the wrong way round - I was in no fit state, but if I had been sober...well....

My girlfriend left me for another woman in 1994, and I was just, well, used by this guy around the same time. It made me hate my gender - it was like I'd seen first hand what guys did to women, and frankly we're just complete bastards sometimes, aren't we fellas? And so life moved on, and I started dating a (female) karaoke DJ, and forgot about my walk on the bi side (I was always bi, not gay - I could never give up gals!!)

Recently though, I've been watching Mika videos and thinking "I could easily fall in love with you...or someone like you" and started to think about how that night in 1993 would have gone if I had been sober (I nearly typed "straight" there - a Freudian slip and a half, eh?) and thought - yeah, I can be sexually attracted to boys - under certain circumstances. It's not a side of my life I want to explore now, to be honest (maybe I'm becoming asexual in my old age) but the feelings are still there...

Actually, my philosophy on this is that we are all bi, to a greater or lesser extent. Even the most heterosexual or homosexual of us can, under the right circumstances, fall for someone not of their usual preference. And I've seen that happening - with a good female friend of mine who identified as straight all her life but fell for this girl and (after a long talk with me where I encouraged her to "follow her heart") had a long-term relationship with her. It's just the chances of that happening differ from person to person - and I guess for most of us the chances are very very slim - but they're not zero, at least I don't think so.

Bisexuals get a very bad press. They're pilloried by the straight and gay communities alike - I think it's because people can't cope with the fact that someone can be attracted to people regardless of gender. You either have to be straight or gay - black or white. No shades of grey allowed. And if you are bi - then you're probably really gay (there is a saying "bi now, gay later") Or you have to fancy both sides equally. There's no room for preferring one side over the other. That's just too complicated for people to understand. Well, guess what? People aren't so easily labelled. There are a myriad of shades of grey. Hence the term "Kinsey 1" - the sexologist Alfred Kinsey tried to categorise people by rating them from 0 (totally straight) through 3 ("standard" bisexual) to 6 (totally gay). An improvement on the straight/gay (and bi) system, certainly.

Where does that leave me? Well, given my overwhelming preference for women, I can easily identify publically as "straight" - my workmates and family all believe that, and always will. But to myself - and in the interests of full disclosure, my blog readers - I will admit to being open to feeling attracted to boys - under certain circumstances.

I sincerely hope that this revelation will not change your opinions about me. I have always believed that unless it involves me personally (or I'd like it to), what someone does in their own bedroom and who they're doing it with has nothing to do with me. Homophobia - and indeed biphobia - is just a form of racism in my eyes. And, truth be told, I believe the most homophobic people are the ones most insecure of their own sexuality. I would be the first to admit I can be a very insecure person - but not in that area.

Here's to the rich tapestry of difference in life! Now, if you'll excuse me....I need a lie down... :)

MIKA - LOVE TODAY
(from the album "Life In Cartoon Motion", 2007)